Updated: Sep 11, 2019
What is one thing that absolutely needs to be present in order for you to get a girl? Is it money, looks, a six pack, or a nice car? Nope. The girl whom you want needs to feel comfortable around you. “Comfort” refers to an emotional connection and a sense of trust. It means she is at ease with you and will, for instance, be comfortable alone with you in a room, car, or walking with you late at night. Last Saturday night, as I was walking on a busy street with various clubs and bars, I noticed a group of guys trying to convince two women to come into their car. The men must have thought that because they had a nice car the women would certainly agree to their request. Aside from being creepy, these men were obviously unaware of the importance of creating comfort with a girl. These women just met these men and spoke for only a few minutes, so of course they would not agree to their request. This is something which cannot be overemphasized. If a girl is uncomfortable in your presence and does not feel calm and at ease, you’ll be unable to proceed in your attempt to woo her. It is unlikely you will be able to have sex with, date, and in any way progress in the relationship without this present. The importance of Comfort is supported by an Oxford University study titled, “The Dating Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Emerging Science of Human Courtship”, by Oesch and Miklousic. Women need to feel comfortable around you regardless of the type of relationship you seek - casual or romantic.
Here are some ways to make a girl comfortable with you:
Kindness- Be kind. It’s that simple. Hold the door for her, and offer her your jacket if she appears cold. Smile, don’t interrupt, respect her (particularly if she declines your sexual advances), and be positive. ( You may be thinking that girls like assholes, and that is a whole different topic, but for now, just understand this is inaccurate).
Trust- This is crucial. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Be honest. If you want a one night stand, don’t say you want a girlfriend or are looking for marriage. Say something like, “I am looking to have some fun” or “I’d like to meet new people”. Similarly, if you want a girlfriend, say so. If you tell her you will call on Monday at 6:00, do so. If you say you will pick her up at Starbucks, do so. These simple things will win you some major brownie points.
Vulnerability- Dr. Brene Brown, an expert on vulnerability, defines it as “ Uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”. Dr. Brown states vulnerability means to open yourself up, to expose yourself to risk, and to show your human side. This leads others to see you as an individual being - as someone with their own hopes, dreams, thoughts, fears, and goals - which can lead others to feel comfortable around you. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability- if you are vulnerable with her, she will likely be vulnerable with you. This is a perfect way to create an emotional connection. There are many ways to practice Vulnerability. Be assertive, authentic, ask for things you want, risk rejection, take chances, and show your human side. It is important to understand this does not mean that upon meeting a woman for the first time you start telling her your problems and treat her like your therapist. That’s going too far and won’t work. Here are some attractive ways to practice it: If you like a woman, go up to her and talk to her. This is vulnerability because you are exposing yourself to the possibility of her being uninterested. If a woman says something that offends you, stand up for yourself respectfully, and tell her you do not appreciate being spoken to in such a manner. This is vulnerability because she may not take it well or might get offended, but you choose to call her out anyway. If a girl flakes on you, call her out on it, in an assertive way. In your interactions with women, be authentic and do not hide your true self. For example, if you like playing video games and watching Star Wars movies, don’t be afraid to share this with her, even if she may find it nerdy. She’ll respect your authenticity.
Respect- What does this mean in the dating world? It is important to respect her requests and personal boundaries. Suppose you ask her to go home with you, and she says no. The respectful thing to do (and most effective) would be to not make a big deal, get angry or frustrated, but to respect her request. The disrespectful thing (and ineffective ) to do would be to get angry, start screaming, or worse, try to force her to go with you (that would possibly be illegal, as well). Other ways of demonstrating respect can include offering to pay for her when you go out- that is your personal choice and you should not feel pressure to do so, not being needy or desperate, and apologizing if you do something wrong.
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